Bloody Days

trying to relax

I’ve almost forgotten I blog.

Heading toward the Christmas season things took an unexpected turn. A routine mammogram ended in a biopsy and two surgeries, and I can’t say it’s all done yet. The main distraction is the incision that has continued to bleed for over a week.

There are plenty more serious health issues in the world, and I’m trying to keep this in perspective. But as far as annoyances go, seeing bandage after bandage fill with blood whether at work, hanging with the kiddo, or sleeping is maddening. Who wants to leave blood on sheets and pillows, bathrobes, towels, and bras?

Perhaps that is too much information. I might be beyond caring. Besides, I don’t know about you, but I knowledge of things like breast cancer was very limited. I had some understanding of chemo (No verdict yet on whether I’ll need radiation. Might not.) and like most of us I’ve seen all those pink ribbon campaigns, but it might have been helpful to have heard specifics. Have you ever had those moments when you look at a cut or a bruise or something not right on your body and you wonder, “Is it supposed to look like that?!”

It’s been a distraction.

With any luck, the worst of this is over and I can think. MOst of the time I don’t feel like I’m thinking. I just feel like I’m moving on to the next thing that needs to get done. Do you ever feel that way?

But I am still working on the line edits for my novel. That isn’t going to come out when I originally thought. Things have fallen behind. But my publisher and I are getting there, and that’s what matters.

Resistance isn’t always futile. Sometimes it stops progress for years.

Carl Sagan + my art!

I’ve been ignoring my blog. Maybe I mean neglecting. I’m supposed to be figuring a website for my art and all that. People ask me, “Do you have a website?” I feel most failure-esque to say, “I have a blog.” I mean, you can’t sell art on this thing. Sure, someone could leave me a comment about the art and we could go from there, but I don’t have a pretty page with all my images and stuff.

It shows a distinct lack of entrepreneurial spirit. But I did make all that art that is hanging in my show. I did make the art, frame it or come up with a way to display it, get a show date, and hang the stuff. And I’m editing my novel that my publisher is going to put out into the world in February. I’m participating in NaNoWriMo again too by the way. I’m teaching 20 hours a week. I’m going to speed skate practice. I’m illustrating a children’s book for my publisher. I’m spending time with my kid and doing most of the housework.

I’m neurotic, insecure, and obsessive. I’m not lazy.

But I cannot get myself to organize this into a proper website. I resist. I put it off. I think about and don’t understand it.

I don’t really know where this resistance comes from, but I will try to do better.

What is it in your life that you should be doing but you’re not? My list is certainly longer than just get a proper website. That’s what’s bothering me today.

Speaking of mug shots…

a book cover

Do you ever google people from your past?

Hmmm?

Well, okay. So.

I set my novel in 1985 because that’s when I was a teen and because I didn’t want to deal with cell phones and google.

I used my hometown as a starting point for my novel. But then my fictional town of Lake Belle became something more than where I grew up. The connections between the two are now almost nonexistent.

The novel isn’t autobiographical, but writing a particular scene did bring my former step-sister to mind. So, I googled her name. It was late and I haven’t seen her in 25 years. My dad ran into once while she was working as a cashier. He didn’t recognize her. My dad is like that.

Anyway. I google this girl of my past. She is forever that girl in my head. That young teenager who hit be with a baton and protected me from an aggressive boy. She’s the girl who when I found a way out of the crazy house we were living in said, “How can you leave me here?”

Saving myself.

She was such a tough girl. She could fight and shout, while I just sat quietly with my head down. I thought–she is so strong. She’ll take care of herself.

Googling her, I found her mug shot. For battery. It was a random search and I didn’t expect to find anything. But there you go.

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about learning this information. Seems wrong for people’s mug shots to be online, doesn’t it? Feels wrong to search for people too–but also tempting. I’m as curious as anyone else, especially when I’m putting off the really hard work of editing my novel.

She isn’t in my novel, but some of her spirit is in an odd roundabout way.

So. Have you/would you google someone form your past? I don’t know if I’d recommend it.

Why is it dark in here?

my art + photoshop elements

Recently I joked, “I could’ve written a light comedy.” And my husband replied, “I don’t think you have light comedy in you.”

A friend said, “It’s odd because you’re a funny person.”

Hey, I didn’t set out to write a dark, emotional novel. I started with an image and went from there. But I don’t sit down with an agenda. I always start with an image.

The novel that is to be published this winter began with the sound of marbles hitting a wood floor. Just that. No characters. No plot. But I asked, why would the marbles be spilled on the ground like that? And all these words later there is a tale of abuse and violence and survival and friendship.

Another novel started with an image I’ve had since childhood–a girl with a paintbrush that can change whatever she wants. That became a story of murder and jealousy.

And another novel started with the image of a young man who loses the ability to sleep–which is about jealousy too, and secrets, curses, and death.

And another with a young woman putting on red lipstick–which became a story about falling in love with the wrong person and going through hell for them.

But for all I know I could write a comedy. You never know.

As I edit my novel, I’m having to think about some of the things I’ve put a character through, and I think, she may be too damaged to come out all right in the end. Then again, I know people in the real world who’ve been through very real hell, and on the surface anyway, they seem to be doing fine. It’s hard to know though, isn’t it?

You have to find a way to do justice to a character’s suffering. I don’t mean that the bad guy will end up in jail or realize the error of his ways. If you put a character through trauma, that character can’t just shrug it off and be fine.

Something JK Rowling said recently about how Harry Potter would function after all he’d been through–not very well. Don’t you imagine he suffers from bad dreams that wake Ginny up in the middle of the night? Or that sometimes he’s a morose and remote father–loving, and generally good, but a man who needs time alone to brood. Wouldn’t his children sense his sadness at all his losses?

JK Rowling doesn’t put that in the books, but she doesn’t make it an impossibility either.

My character is going through a dark time, and I’m not sure how she’s going to be.

I’m not sure what it is about me that compels me to write stories of loss and trauma, and I can’t afford the therapy to find out.

You? Are your stories mostly happy? Sad? Funny? Why is that do you think?

A Plum Heart

my art

Today a new friend in my life puts her heart out into the world. Her heart should be lifted up and celebrated.

Well, perhaps every heart should be.

Forgive the potential sappiness. But sometimes sappiness is okay. We don’t have to be all edges and armor every day of the week.

(Anyway, I don’t know why black holes exist in space any more than I know why black holes exist in some human hearts, but those lost souls–the ones that suck in and destroy everything that comes too close are a problem for another day.)

As I was saying, the determined and caring Niamh Clune, author and founder of Plum Tree Books, is putting out a very heart-filled project today. Niamh has a great deal of personal experience with the drought and troubles in the Sahel in Africa.

You can find out more about events here and even more about the work Niamh is doing on The Plum Tree Blog.

Art is part of the solution too. Plum Tree is hosting an art auction–and one piece of mine is included along with several other beautiful pieces (I’d buy the Geisha right now if I could). The auction is the 16th.

And then there is music. A live radio show by the talented Claudio Fiore will be (is) in progress to support the auction and the book. Music is available to buy as well.

Oh. And the book. The book!! A book of poetry, stories, essays, and art is for sale. Song of Sahel. My art is in the book and a poem. Well, a sort of poem. A few tiny words to go with the art.

The proceeds go to help the people of the Sahel. Niamh has written more movingly (and knowledgeably) than I can, so if you go to the blog or the Plum Tree site, you can read the history and about the organizations that are helping in the region. Or if you have any questions, please ask.

Niamh has put heart and effort into this project. It’s an important cause and maybe you could do something to help. At the very least, share the word. The more people that know, the better.

Wow. I hope I covered everything.

Thank you!

Editing Rehab

my work

Hello. My name is Marta, and I’m an editaholic.
I’ve spent hours editing, gotten lost editing, and been unable to remember what I just wrote after editing. After a long night of editing, I’ve woken up with strange characters in my head. During my breaks at work, I’d be eating my lunch and sneaking in some editing. When I’m away from my editing, editing is all I can think about. And even when I get some editing done, I think I could handle a little more editing. I knew I’d hit editing bottom when I edited my story to death.

Plum Friday: Self-Sabotage and Support Systems

from Plum Tree Books

My publisher has a passion. You see that passion in what Plum Tree supports. Soon, Plum Tree will put out a book and hold an art auction to raise money to help people in Sahel. Where is the Sahel? Here.

A piece of my art is part of the auction, too.

I know that many places in the world need, but we’ve got to start somewhere. Like the parable of the starfish, Sahel is another starfish.

An old man had a habit of early morning walks on the beach. One day, after a storm, he saw a human figure in the distance moving like a dancer. As he came closer he saw that it was a young woman and she was not dancing but was reaching down to the sand, picking up a starfish and very gently throwing them into the ocean.

“Young lady,” he asked, “Why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?”

“The sun is up, and the tide is going out, and if I do not throw them in they will die.”

“But young lady, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it? You cannot possibly make a difference.”

The young woman listened politely, paused and then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves,saying, “It made a difference for that one.”

The old man looked at the young woman inquisitively and thought about what she had done. Inspired, he joined her in throwing starfish back into the sea. Soon others joined, and all the starfish were saved. –Wikipedia

Why not begin by helping save this starfish? Every starfish matters.

Plum Tree is my publisher, and I want Plum Tree to succeed, and I want what the Plum Tree supports to succeed. That includes good causes and that includes me.

This is where the self-sabotage comes in. I want to do enough to support others and support myself. Fear of bothering others, of getting it wrong, of failing, helps me procrastinate on what I need to do.

Fear. Procrastination’s best friend.

That nagging feeling that I’m not doing enough manages to keep me from doing anything except to make excuses. Why is there always time to make excuses and no time to do anything constructive?

Now, I’ve got a novel to edit and an art show to prepare for.

You can follow these endeavors on my facebook page.

What helps you procrastinate?

The Case of the You-Shoulds

My art is almost always black and white. Some people tell me to do more in color. Some people make it clear they would like my if it were in color.

I like color, but I don’t like what I do with color. Not when it comes to real paper and ink. But I’ve been playing around with my work and Photoshop Elements. Part of me feels that this is cheating, that somehow it’s not real art. But the original image is mine and the choices I make for changing the work are mine. Does that count?

I have a friend who is militantly against Photoshop.

I don’t think she’s seen what I’ve done.

But they’re fun to do, and I hope that some of them might become cards for sale by Plum Tree Books. It’s a hope. We’ll see.

Writing is similar in a way. You write a particular way. Your stories might be dark or light. They might make people cry or make people shout. And so some people might say, “You should write a story with a happy ending.” “You should write about serious topics.” And maybe the real question they’re asking is, “Why aren’t you writing for me?”

I’m reminded of when I overheard a lady say to an artist, “You should do paintings of dogs.” He nodded politely and said, “Yes, ma’am.”

I wonder if the people so filled with “you-shoulds” that they have let them spill onto other people aren’t really talking about themselves. They aren’t doing what they wish to do, so you need to do it for them.

What do people tell you to write or to draw? Does it bother you? Do you ever follow their suggestions? Or are you the person who tells others what they should do?

Plum Monday: Perspective

The troubles in the world overwhelm some days. My own troubles take enough energy, don’t you think?

Well, not really. I mean, they take lots of energy, but I don’t have to worry about if I will eat. Perspective. Perspective may be one of the most commonly lost things.

It’s late. Do you know where your perspective is?

Well, someone I know who seems to have a great perspective on important things is Niamh Clune. She is organizing a book for a cause–Songs of Sahel. Here is a cause. Yes, causes flood the world and where to begin? Well, begin here.

Sahel. You could submit a piece (story,poem, art, photography) or maybe later buy the book. Share the title when the book is released. It wouldn’t take much to matter to someone. How important it is is a matter of perspective.

Anyway, once I get my laptop back (from an unfortunate fall), I’ll submit something too.

What’s your cause?

The Light around the Corner

Sending your work out into the world is an adventure–no matter the path.

E-publishing is a widening path these days, but that doesn’t make it easy.

Friend and colleague, Niamh Clune, launched her book a few weeks back, and due to technical difficulties, has had to launch the book again. Many lessons learned, including–Amazon isn’t as easy to deal with as it leads one to believe.

But when you’re putting your work out into the world and asking people to take part in it, you have to keep the faith. Things go wrong, you could take it as a sign that it isn’t meant to be. You could see it as a sign that you must really want what you say you want, that you must persevere.

I’ve seen women and men come to a speed practice, and never come back. Maybe the realized skating as fast as a person can wasn’t for them. Maybe they let the fear of the corner get the better of them.

Why do we say that anyway? Get the better of someone. Seems to me if you get what is better, they should come out shining, right?

Ah, language.

So, Niamh has worked hard and seen her efforts reach the light. See where it shines.

Find her book at Amazon.

Thank you. And keep writing. Don’t let those corners get you.